Sunday, August 29, 2010

nasty

i totally got called out this week, and i'm pretty stoked about it. so i'm gonna go ahead and return the favor. putting up a linky to the sweetest little honeypot of aural awesomeness your ears did ever behold.

modern rock is all about tight shirts, post-production and gelly-gelly hairdos. not that there's anything wrong with a little hair grease. breaking benjamin, this shit is not. it might be lo-fi, but it's that dirty surf stylin' oldies and garage... well, punk goodness. try NOT to leave it streaming all day, baby. not only does it have some sweet rare-ified airwaves, but some of the sweetest samples i've heard this side of spencer ackerman's flat. so go ahead... enter the garage.

feelin' nasty, too, 'cause i'm all torn up. got me a couple holes in my hands. a rusty barbell wedged into a tower with some wood and para cord is subbing in for a real pullup bar. which is to say, it is a REAL pullup bar. like the 8x8 timber like down at the farm. skin heals. gets tougher. and so do i. i'm almost 30 and i feel better than i did 10 years ago. like in everything. and i've got scabs and burns. i know why for some, and for others not so much. i almost feel like a man. which is nice, considering i've got an office job. somedays i just wanna be whiling out like lawrence sellin. but i'm not trapped behind the desk. i have a lot to learn, and the freedom to learn it. i don't really like my boss, but who ever does? at least i respect him this time.

and i gots me a nasty mouth now. been learning some sweet street dari, courtesy of a badass interpreter who needs to get himself a visa. and i'm feelin' so breezy in my shalwar kameezy. after ramadan, i'm gonna get the hookup with some sweet duds.

the mail is rollin' in, too. got my sweet new smith glasses. my keyboard is here, so for once i haven't had to re-type a single paragraph due to my gluttonous touchpad. i got a totally unexpected, and totally AWESOME package from my most random friend. and not just random 'cause she's awesomely random, humor-wise. how awesome? just when i'm trying to figure out where i'm gonna keep my benjamins, i get this:



the only bummer is that i got the wrong pipe in the mail. but i think i'm over my cravings for the leaf. i usually end up wanting a little lipper, particularly when i get the 5-to-9, but there are a number of ways to relieve stress. ripping up my hands is a pretty good one, so it's not been too bad. i'm just too lazy to keep smokin' the hookah. and i hate feeling like a cat shit in my mouth every morning after i have a cigar.

so i'm gonna get a straight pipe. i got time. gonna get me some black shalwar kameez. i already brought my fedora. rocking some tight smith glasses. get ready noz, cause i'm gonna be in it to win it come r&r time. i'm a bit banged up but feelin' good. if i keep hitting the iron, running the sprints and takin' the hill, i'm gonna be ready to give kane a run for his money when i get back.

now if only i could skype with my doggie, i'd be a happy man.

- the parents - you're hideous baby -

Sunday, August 22, 2010

floods

it's somewhat odd, being so close to so many people in need, and it hardly affects me at all. i haven't the slightest idea what i could do. and my friends are getting themselves ready to fly halfway around the world to help. it's like fate is determined to crush my idealism. why have i spent the past 10 years of my life doing this? i haven't done a fucking thing worth telling my children about one day.

things around here are still churning along at the normal pace. even the slight changes that have happened hardly affect me at all. we have a cool mission, but while what i do is necessary for the proper functioning of the unit, i'm hardly part of the operations.

i've been talking to a few people lately that i haven't talked to in years. i don't really have much of an answer for what i've been up to all this time. it's weird. 5 years of my life have slipped by and i've barely noticed. i haven't really traveled. i haven't deployed. i haven't gone on any adventures, save a few this year.

i have no idea what's next. all i know is that i have 3 more years. 3 years. 1 year of this infuriatingly bureaucratic job. 2 more years of who knows what. i'm not even going to try to plan this one out. it's never worked out before, why would it now?

at least i have an awesome dog. and that's all i need.

listening to.... pantera - floods

maybe my dad was right about this kinda music.... or maybe i should pick another day than sunday night to post.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

feels good to be a punk loser

so i'm not planning on getting out because of the deployments. i spent 2 years bugging hrc to get me deployed. it's not even that the bullshit outweighs the benefits. it's the 'no future' thing. partly, it's because i believe in the peter principle, whereby in a large organization people are promoted to their level of incompetence. it doesn't help that i've been working outside my branch for the past several years. it also doesn't help that without some divine (i.e.: O-6) intervention, i'll be leaving my old unit when i finally get back. and that means i'll likely end up twiddling my thumbs for a while, wishing i was still operational while avoiding anything that would require more commitment than i can afford, which at this point, is none. i'm stuck in a netherworld between ranks where i'm not ready for the big boy jobs but too senior for the job i never got to have. and therein is the other reason why i'm leaving. i hate being managed according to a career timeline and to the code beside my name. i really wish i would've had more time as a junior guy. there's a lot to learn in the army, especially when you're in a technical field. it's nearly impossible to get the breadth of experience you really need to be an exceptional leader when you're lucky if you spend more than a few months in your job.

there should be the freedom to choose to spend more time learning the trade we're in. that means not only operational assignments, but broader ones as well. why should i have to choose between doing what i love, and already know i love, and something like af-pak hands, which is an exceptional idea (which acknowledges that we'll be here a LONG time, which is probably accurate), albeit not being very well executed, mostly because it's tough to get people to take that big step into the dark. there are plenty of people who wouldn't do it because it would hurt their career. what if it didn't end it, or change it, but instead was more of a scenic route, as it were.

it's getting late, and i can't quite wrap my thoughts on promotion and the increasing top-heaviness of the military.

what i can dish about, and why i ended up talking about all this crap, is that i think there's a related peter principle in effect in the military, and it relates to dorkiness. i'm used to taking shit for my appearance. i don't mind, especially when we're in a b.s. session. one the things i always loved about aviation was how much we make fun of each other. constantly.

but i can't help but notice is that the higher i look up the food chain, the fewer and fewer 'normal people' i see. now, i'm not normal. not by a long shot. there's a reason why this post has that title. shit, there's a reason i'm blogging past midnight when i could be looking at porn. there's nothing obviously abnormal about them, usually. they look kinda normal. they have normal interests and normal families.

but jesus, why does it seem like they all dress like they buy all their clothes from lands' end's clearance department? why do they all have haircuts that haven't been stylish since they were 7? it's like their cultural grounding cable came loose when they joined the military and over time they build up a static charge of dweebiness. and it gets really annoying getting zapped with it everytime they snicker about my crazy hair or my high socks any of the little things that makes me, ME. if you can't relate to someone in your own organization, who holds the same values as you just because i carry myself a little differently, then how are you going to be able to wrap your head around a different culture and be able to convince them of anything other than that you're just another faceless uniform?

this war is not 'hearts and minds.' we're not going to win unless we aggressively hunt down and kill the poison that is infecting this country. but this war isn't just about fighting. it's going to take a long time, and we're going to have to build a relationship with these people if we're going to avoid wearing out our welcome before the country is able to stand on it's own, let alone keep them from turning against us. we're going to have to convince the paks that it's in their interest to leave afghanistan alone, which is going to take a LOT of convincing. it's not money that's going to do it; the military will play a significant role in it. a lot of it will be out of our hands, to be sure. i wouldn't bet on us, if i were a gambling man.

we'd stand a better chance if we let our junior guys spend some more time learning both their trade and gaining new knowledge outside their field, cutting away the layers of bureaucracy and the attendant senior officers, non-comms, dod civilians and contractors that are soaking up time, money, and would be a lot less valuable if we slowed down a bit and let everyone become truly competent before moving them up the ladder. that, and some goddamned fashion sense. seriously.

no youtube anytime soon.

listening to.....

nailbomb
point blank

postscript: i think the coolest field grade i ever met was a lesbian lieutenant colonel. not that she had any sense of style (more like the clearance section of ll bean's mens' department). but she seemed capable of straddling two completely different worlds and managing to behave like a totally... normal person.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

mollycoddling

a word that a npr story reminded me that i loved. my friend, who is trying to do something valuable (not to mention, make enough money to pay the rent), is trying to get a research grant to work on resiliency training for combat veterans. in the article she sent me, the good doctor martin seligman name drops dr albert ellis, who founded rational emotive behavioral therapy, which is pretty much the only sort of therapy i could ever stand. i hate therapists, almost as much as i hate thinking about my emotions. MOLLYCODDLING NONSENSE! but, i think most soldiers would respond to that type of therapy better than others. what do you think?

Dr. SELIGMAN: The teaching of resilience comes out of the history of cognitive therapy of depression. So starting about 30 years ago, people like Aaron Beck and Albert Ellis began to look at the catastrophic thoughts that people said to themselves when they were in very adverse situations, and often those thoughts were unrealistic.

So if you're in Iraq, for example, and you call your wife at home - this seems to be our first war in which you can make cell phone calls home - and she doesn't answer, you might think the most catastrophic thing possible: She's walked out on me.

So one of the things you teach people to do is, well, just wait a minute. That's the most catastrophic possibility. Now, what's the best possible scenario? Well, it might be that she's just taken the kids out for a walk. Okay, now, what's the most likely scenario? Well, we did have a fight yesterday. So she may have gone off to see her mother, but things are going to be all right.

So resilience begins by teaching soldiers, just as we have taught thousands of people, to recognize the most catastrophic things they say to themselves when bad events occur and to dispute them, to find the realistic causes of the bad events.


back when i was a young'un, i would get weirdly paranoid about some things generally, and depressed about the lady situation specifically, and i would spiral down to bad places. after i had a huge wake up call with johnny law, i forced myself to deal with it according to my dad's advice, which was pretty much, 'you're fucking up. fix it.' i forced myself to challenge my anxieties and pretty soon, those anxieties went away. that little incident changed my life and is probably the most formative event in my life.

well, that, and having to work for my dad for a few summers. i didn't really appreciate my dad until i had to work for him, but i came to find out real quick how hard my dad worked to get by. i still miss physical labor, and i enjoy getting to do it when i can, but nowadays the closest i can get to reliving those memories is listening to some golden oldies, which my dad's partner would always listen to on the jobsite.

i've been reliving those days in my head quite a bit lately, thanks to an awesome site i found on the innerwebs a few weeks ago. it's called garage punk, you absolutely must listen to the new podcast from mr a the barber. listen to the show! and maybe i'll go see the barber soon. it's been almost 3 weeks. i think i can make it to a month before i have to buy a new hat.

so i haven't been able to keep a coherent series of thoughts together lately... especially on the phone (sorry mom and dad, i hate phones). so i'm gonna leave this right here. the best way to get through this is to just focus on the here and now. hopefully i'll know what's next in a few months. if not, whatever. all i want is a nice place to live where i can spend time with my dog and get ready for the next phase of my life. i think i may know what i want to do when i grow up. and that's a feeling i never had before. no anxiety. it's nice.

now if only i could figure out women....

Sunday, August 1, 2010

peace is not an option

earlier in the week, as the details emerged of wikileaks' posting, i was more curious as to how the federales would react.  i didn't have my hopes very high, but i was fairly pleased.  i find the whole 'opsec' culture in the army quite tedious, to tell you the truth.  there is a time and a place for secrecy, but the amount of information we keep secret is higher than i think it ought to be.  warfare more closely resembles the chaotic aftermath of a natural disaster where limiting information flow hurts organizational performance, not the comfortable confines of a garrison environment.  even in garrison, i rarely had access to secret information because of the infrastructure requirements.  we do a much better job over here, obviously, in exchanging sensitive information.

what was once probably our greatest asset, namely the ability of junior leaders and troops on the ground to quickly read the situation on the ground and improvise and adapt to accomplish the mission, has been turned on it's head.  our adversaries are manifestly better at turning the tactical situation on the ground into a strategic victory, regardless of the tactical outcome.  part of this lies in the fact that they speak the language of the locals, and we of course are foreigners.  the fact that we never spend more than a year on the ground, and when we do we roll around in massive armored vehicles wearing body armor and the like which serves, i'm sure, to strip us of our humanity in the eyes of the population we are striving to protect, cannot help matters much.

so what is to be done?  i always thought it odd that we send units back to the united states before we've achieved victory.  a deployment with an end date of 'UTC' would sink the whole volunteer army thing, but it would have the added benefit of curtailing the ambitions of chickenhawk politicians who take war a little less lightly than they should.  something i think that would be reasonable, though, would be to deploy units to the same location every time.  AfPak Hands is a pretty brilliant idea, but why not expand on the concept?  units wouldn't spend the first several months of their deployments relearning their, ugh, 'battlespace.'  the afghans, i would hope, would be more prone to believe our statements of our enduring support if they saw the same faces return.  of course, this would mean that the majority of soldiers and leaders would have to remain with their units, but for the most part, i doubt this would cause an uproar.  i'm sure many soldiers and their families would at least appreciate the stability that would afford.

in terms of initiative by junior leaders, well, there are two things i can think of.  general mattis gets it.  we've never learned to fight with the radios off.  there is almost no unit out there that doesn't have a constant leash going back to the TOC.  situational awareness is great, but the tendency to micromanage is always there.  i have to wonder if it doesn't do more harm than good.  i'd rather have soldiers in the field operating off of the commander's intent and their own judgment than someone miles away giving orders through a radio based on what the predator sees.

initiative won't get you very far without capable, competent and intelligent soldiers.  we need them, and we need to pay them whatever it takes to get them to join.  too expensive?  then don't fight a war like this.  having spent a little bit of my life in command, i can say that the drop in recruitment standards really hurt the quality of the army.  that cohort was pretty sad.  and for every disciplinary and medical issue i had with a soldier, it took an NCO to babysit them until they were gone, which took months.

add into that the army's very bureaucratic training methods.  qualified with your weapon twice a year?  you're good to go!  nevermind that you still carry the thing like you don't know which way to point it.  you want to do room clearing and detainee search procedures?  where does that fit on your METL crosswalks?  nevermind that the army hasn't even gotten your ARTEP transitioned over to CATS yet, let alone adopted the tasks for the contemporary operating environment.  but we sure did learn how to set up our camo nets and emplace our chemical detectors, so i guess we're ready.  peacetime training, until you get your mission, should revolve around three things:  competence in your unit's core mission, functional high-intensity physical training and open-ended problem solving in stressful environments that replicate likely scenarios the unit will face.  the only place that 'tasks, conditions and standards' should have is the first one.

but i've come a long way from the start of this post, and i need to get back to the point.  i was pleased with the reaction of the government because i don't think they oversold the value of secrecy.  in fact, they may have undersold it.  as abu muqawama, josh foust, and i'm sure quite a few others have pointed out, julian assange didn't just endanger the lives of americans (though it will take a lot of time for the taliban to digest the information, and by then we won't be operating the same way anyway), he endangered the lives of afghans as well.  i think it is worse for wikileaks to have removed the names of americans but not that afghans.  the americans over there CHOSE to be over there in one way or another.  we chose that fight, and to put our lives on the line.  the afghan names posted by wikileaks never chose to live this war, but they're in it and i'm sure most of them are just trying to make it to the end with their families and their livelihoods in tact.  that the people at wikileaks went through all of these documents, saw their names, and chose to do nothing to protect them, despite what we know about the taliban and their lack of humanity, is utterly unforgivable. 

there is a role for the whistleblowers, the leakers, and even the loose-lipped bloggers out there.  sometimes information is more valuable in the public domain, even when its release has negative consequences.  it can serve to keep the government honest, the citizenry more informed about the true nature of war, or maybe just what daddy is up to.  and while kant would say that mr. assange has done nothing immoral, those of us in the real world know that actions have consequences.  releasing this information without protecting these afghans is incredibly callous and shows that mr. assange does not care about the means, he cares about the ends.

i'm angry, so i'm going to listen to some agnostic front.*

*i was going to get into my struggle as a libertarian, coming from a liberal family, of dealing with these wars.  how i desperately want to help these people, and knowing how bloody and painful it is to even try, with little guarantee of success.  how little i can do as one man to make a difference; how i've already spent a third of my life in the military and done nothing of consequence.  i doubt that the ability of the taliban and al qaeda to do us any real harm can't be managed by better intelligence work and targeting.  but i don't think i could put anything down that would be coherent, as different parts of my brain are still fighting it out on this one.  that, and it's time to finish my laundry and call my folks.  oh, and i'm lazy.